Shocker: Newsweek uncovers gym risks

Here's breaking news: Going to the gym can be hazardous to your health.

So says Newsweek. Beware of those killer damp towels. Ditto the germ-infested shower floors.

To prevent raging infection, the nation's top news weekly trots out these surprising tips: Use clean towels. Keep wounds covered. Don't go barefoot.

Any one of those could be the top story on The Duh Daily, but Newsweek?

Here's a personalized (and short) list of tips for surviving my gym--all based on experience.

1: If there's a bank of 20 empty lockers, do NOT take up residence right next to me. I'm not kidding. Just don't.

2: If you think you have a tic on your upper arm, do NOT rush up, shove your bare breast-and-armpit in my mug and demand that I inspect it. Seriously.

3: If you're lifting weights and feel the need to vocalize operatically (especially if you're pressing 10 lbs). Stifle.